By: Undisclosed Author
There have been rumors floating around the school about spies at LCDS. We have just received new information from an anonymous source about a teacher who may not be who she says she is. She is the sole French teacher in the Upper School, but is teaching French her only reason for being here?
If you have ever been in the French classroom, you have likely noticed stacks of books lying around her room that never seem to be moved. Are these really books or are they secret listening devices? Are the Expo markers secret weapons? What other gadgets could be hidden throughout her room? Everything is questionable now; nothing is certain. Also, if you are a French student of hers, you know she makes her students do recording exercises in ShowMe all the time. Why does she insist on using the ShowMe? An anonymous tip suggests that this is secretly Russian coding software. The Russian government takes the students’ voices and uses them to encode secret messages to be sent to their covert operatives. That way, when they send secret messages to and from their spies, the U.S. Government thinks it is just high school students doing homework.
About a year ago, a potential problem with the suspected operation developed, and it seems that a meeting was called. A simple phone call to fix the problems would have been too risky, so it seems our operative needed an alternative solution; suddenly, her students started to receive forms for a French trip to Quebec. Why not France? Because flying out of the country would have drawn too much attention to herself. However, on a school trip, she could easily slip across the border using her students as a cover. When asked about this trip, an anonymous source said, “I remember leaving on a bus and coming back a few days later. I saw pictures of us having fun, but it’s all fuzzy in my memory.” This is because it was not an ordinary French trip, it was a secret Russian spy meeting. Also, since when did LCDS start teaching the Russian language? These classes are secretly taught to students during non-academic blocks. She is setting up her own Russian spy training camp right here at LCDS. If this is true, it would also explain the break-in during the winter break: She realized she was being followed and had to retrieve the classified documents from her room before it was searched. With all this activity going on, you would think someone from the U.S. Government would begin to catch on. In fact, the CIA was already one step ahead. They have secretly slipped an undercover agent in as a teacher to keep tabs on the Russian spy. But who? Recent discoveries have lead us to two people in the math department. Both are at the far side of the school from Drobot and are right across the hall from each other. Is it a coincidence that codename ‘Lizzie Heron’ joined the LCDS faculty one month after Madame Drobot did? Is it a coincidence that she goes all the way to far end of the hallway to print out her papers when she could just go to the office? And now because of all this recent activity, she has been joined by British operative codename ‘Susan Mitchell’. Is it a coincidence that her son, ‘David Mitchell’, is in Madame’s French class? Is he yet another undercover spy? Nothing is certain, but it appears that something big is about to go down. Is this the beginning of a global spy war?
This article is part of the 2014 April Fools issue for the Fourth Estate. None of the information in the article above should be taken literally.
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