Scientists Decipher Simpson’s Handwriting

By: Olomonsay Lomberskay

  News of a discovery as profound as a modern-day Rosetta Stone came out of Harvard’s elite School of Cryptography and Hieroglyphics today. Professor Sven Svensson, chair of the school’s research department, tells us “We had never anticipated making this breakthrough…this revelation was completely unprecedented, and could perhaps transform the field of hieroglyphics forever.” So, what exactly was this groundbreaking discovery? A completely unidentifiable language, found scrawled all over the boards of a single classroom at Lancaster Country Day School, had for years stupefied and dumbfounded students. And the proprietor of this obscure language? An English teacher named Mr. Simpson, self-proclaimed coffee-aficionado and Gatsby lover. The researchers at Harvard received images in the mail with captions that read: “PLEASE HELP!”, “WHAT DOES THIS SAY!?”, and “I DON’T KNOW WHAT OUR EXAM IS ON, I’M NOT GOING TO GET INTO COLLEGE!” Unable to resist the opportunity to publish a sensational online news story, the researchers took it upon themselves to decipher the obscure language. “We didn’t quite realize the magnitude of this task when we took it on,” Svensson reported, reflecting on the five-year undertaking. He added, “When the answer didn’t come to us the second we looked at it, we didn’t know what to do!” However, after five grueling years of study–and thus five more years’ of students suffering– the cryptologists made a breakthrough. “We started by identifying seemingly common words, such as ‘postmodern’, ‘meta’, and ‘Mason jar’,” Svensson said. “From there, it all began to make sense. What was once an incoherent mass of squiggles is now something that can actually be understood.” When asked, students said they didn’t care if the breakthrough was important to science or not, they were just happy that “we actually have a chance to get into college now.” 

This article is part of the 2014 April Fools issue for the Fourth Estate. None of the information in the article above should be taken literally.

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