Inside Sources Reveal New LCDS Model

By: Abbigay OhnMay (Drawing credit to Andrew F. ’16)

The LCDS Administration has been working tirelessly on secret plans for the new LCDS building, to be revealed to the public in April 2014. A reliable source, unnamed for the sake of privacy, exclusively told the Fourth Estate that “the model contains all kinds of surprises. It will be quirky, fun, and supportive, just like our student body.”

Further research uncovered a few surprises that this unnamed administrator was referring to. In response to student demand, there will be a private LCDS Starbucks located in the lobby, which is intended to increase productivity in the classroom due to a constant supply of caffeinated nutrition. Concerned parents will be promptly silenced with a grande mocha frappuccino. In deference to the students’ culinary needs, the administration will be contracting Chipotle, Panera, Tropical Smoothie Café, Five Guys (in response to Nick G.’s demand), and various FroYo companies, all of which will reside in the Dining Commons; that said, in order to be more hip and trendy, the Dining Commons will be renamed ‘Dining Deluxe’ for maximum appeal.

The actual building will feature more sophisticated and progressive architecture. A sensible blend of Hogwarts-like buildings and top-notch technology was the obvious decision, as it satisfies the desire to be classy and traditional as well as modern. Perhaps now LCDS will finally implement that house system. Classrooms will be of the typical Hogwarts style, other than freshman classes, which will be held in our very own Chamber of Secrets. Humanities, arts, and music classes will take place in the main castle while science and math courses will be held in the dungeon where they belong. Naturally, each classroom will be equipped with all possible technological advances with the help of our resident LCDS Apple Store and Tech support. Our excellent technology extends to transportation between classes as well, which will be in the form of electric Harry Potter flying broomsticks or Back to the Future hoverboards, both solar powered because we value “being green.” However, the technological advancement we are most excited for is temperature control; with this up-and-coming technology, the entire school will maintain a comfortable temperature during all days of the year.

The administration also hopes to reform the athletic facilities so that they reflect what LCDS truly values. The outdoor athletic fields will be replaced by an airfield to represent how much we value diversity and encourage travel. Private LCDS jets will be included. In addition to four indoor gymnasiums, the new building will feature an indoor swimming pool, tennis courts, soccer field, turf field, squash courts, golf course, ice hockey rink, and baseball stadium. With these additions, practices can be held in all weather and there will be room for all sports teams to further extend their preseason, giving LCDS teams a chance to get ahead. The administration also hopes our superior facilities will lure outstanding athletes from other schools in order to bolster our teams–Starbucks giftcards will be used as means of persuasion as well. It is also important to note that a facility is devoted to every sport because we believe that everyone is a winner at Lancaster Country Day School. Along these lines, if enough interest is demonstrated, as in 1 person or more, laser tag, trampolines, bowling, and quidditch could also be considered.

The administration fully believes that these additions reflect everything LCDS stands for. The new model will easily house our ever-growing and diverse community while maintaining our traditional LCDS values. The final surprise? During construction LCDS will temporarily be a Cyber School. So that is what they’ve been preparing us for!

This article is part of the 2014 April Fools issue for the Fourth Estate. None of the information in the article above should be taken literally.

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