Freshmen Rental Service: Revisiting the story of Pandora’s box while finding a solution to all of the Upperclassmens’ needs

By Jongha Choi

     August 28th marked the first day of school and never has LCDS seen more new faces. Be it from Manheim Township or South Africa, new students flooded into the upper school halls in a torrent. The 2013-2014 year looked bright. And oh yeah, about these freshmen… Revisiting the story of Pandora’s box leads us to the discovery of freshmen. From the box came chaos, disaster, disease, and freshmen. They sprung from the box and were fated to wander wherever they went in utter confusion.

     After their lives on earth they would even get lost on the road to the underworld (which is just a one way road). In fact, freshmen are the reason that passed souls need an escort to hell. Always needing help and guidance, the freshmen stumble around the halls like babies who just learned how to walk. “What’s homework?” one will ask, as he sees a book with more than three-hundred pages for the first time. Since figuring things out on their own isn’t their specialty, maybe they should be told what to do…by us, the Upperclassmen.When people use the word freshmen they actually mean “slaves,” “servants,” and “butlers.” Listen, life as an upper schooler becomes stressful. In fact, new studies show that the night before the first day of school seventy-five percent of upper school students cried themselves to sleep. The remaining twenty-five percent was the freshmen class—they had already been told their favorite bedtime stories and tucked into bed: they had no idea what lie ahead.

     In the immortal words of Sean M, “Freshman year is to high school as grass is to a lawnmower.”But along with chaos, disaster, and freshmen, out of Pandora’s box came hope. What would make 2013-2014 a magical, hopeful, year is a freshman rental service! A butler couldn’t hurt at all. Upperclassmen have research papers and AP exams to worry about and what about those? Fifteen pages and notes in The Human Odyssey? Just think about a world where you could avoid the lunch line and send your rented freshmen to get your tasty Black Bean Burger. Imagine how that would feel: it would feel like the first time hearing the Beatles. If the FRS (freshmen rental service) becomes a reality it would leave older students to deal with morepressing matters like procrastinating and catching up on Breaking Bad. “When life gives you lemons,” so goes the saying, “make lemonade.” Or, have your freshman do it for you.

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